IVF – First week

So i have started this to really get out all of my thoughts and feelings.
I have been having a long chat with a very helpful lady today, which has helped me to get some things into perspective.
Let me explain where we are at……
My husband has a very low sperm count, making conceiving naturally impossible. We desperately want children and feel the clocks ticking. I am 34 and he is 48. We went to the drs and were referred straight after the sperm test, and i have had an ultra scan and internal to make sure everything is working the right way with me. Fortunately it is.
I am overweight and only just have a BMI under 30 which means i only just qualify. Now food and i have never had a good relationship and i have always used to to help bury any type of emotion.
I am now trying to fight my demons and lose more weight by the time treatment starts. Problem is that it makes me feel somehow ‘unworthy’ Anyone without a food issue may just think if you want a baby that much then just lose weight – no problem. I wish it was that easy. I am working on some techniques to help me disassociate food with emotion and am really positive. That’s just one battle.
It is so easy to sit there and wonder why this is happening to you and not someone else. To bury yourself in the why us and the life is not fair. Trust me i have been there!
We have just been referred now and am expecting a letter through the post with our first appointment. Its only been a week so far! A week however seems like a year when you are waiting for something so important.
So whilst i am waiting i have been doing a bit of research, what foods can we eat? We haven’t been given a huge amount of information. Seems more bananas, a few Brazil nuts a day and more milk are staples. Also more vitamin C. On top of this Wellwoman for help conceiving and well man.
So armed with all vitamins etc i needed to know what was in store for me with IVF.
I google……. My god google can be the work of the devil cant it ? In a few minutes i have gone from a complete high, being accepted means one step closer to the ultimate, our baby, to being on the floor. Blinded by statistics and stories full of failure, miscarriages and worse i have no hope left.
My stomach does a turn and all of a sudden i am terrified !! What if it doesn’t work ? What if it does work and i miscarry ? What if i get through the 12 wk scan and think everything is ok and then lose the baby? What if i never get to experience the love parents feel for their children? What if i can never call myself a Mum? What will i do? How will i function?
My mind is buzzing and the ability now to focus on day to day things like work housework etc is becoming impossible. I need an outlet, hence the blog.
Well anyway, back to this very insightful lady i was having a chat with, i have managed to get things into perspective. For now, i am not going to worry about any of the what ifs. I am going to focus on the fact that today, we are one step closer. Today we have hope, and i can live on hope.
I will continue researching, so i know what to expect. She told me to think of an aircraft. If the plane is going to crash you are asked to take the brace position, however you don’t have to take that the position the whole flight just in case it crashes, and this is the same. Im aware of the risks, aware that we could crash and i can brace myself when needed, but for now there is no reason to think about crashing, i am going to sit back and try to relax. I think to say enjoy the ride is a bit hopeful but definitely relax a bit on it.
My husband is dealing in his own way. He doesn’t want to talk about it at the moment and that’s his choice. First of all i was annoyed and upset and a little angry. I need to talk about it, i need to vent. I now appreciate that although we are going through the same thing, we are on different roller coasters. We have different ups, downs and loops. We are side by side (Always) but dealing with things in our own way.
So this is my outlet. Every fear, excitement, hope, dream, the whole lot i will blog about. I will embrace everything as the price is extremely high. So right now in this moment, the way i am feeling is ‘bring it on’